I Will Carry You – Rachael’s Story

I have always known Jesus to be real in my life. I grew up with God-loving parents and continued to grow in faith throughout my childhood. I met my husband Luke at youth group when I was 12 years old. It took a while, but over time our teenage friendship developed into something more and when I was 26 we were married.

Luke and I had always dreamed of a large family, four children was our goal, three at the very least. Our first child Makayla was born in 2006 followed by her sister Lauren in 2008. After having two easy pregnancies and births, I thought we were well on our way to our four-child goal.

Little did we know we were embarking on a season of grief and loss that would change our family forever?

Over the course of the next year I miscarried my third pregnancy, then twins in my fourth pregnancy. We were devastated by this loss but in 2010 I discovered that I was pregnant again.  I had a scare at nine weeks but scans showed a developing baby with a heartbeat, so our fears were put aside. Still, I wouldn’t allow myself to get too excited, I was waiting for the 19 week scan to give us the all clear.

I still remember the day of that scan. I was under the care of the head obstetrician at our local public hospital. He was a lovely man, kind, encouraging and very supportive. It was he who gave us the heartbreaking news that our baby was very sick. Our baby boy had a very large and inoperable omphalocele. His condition was not compatible with life. We were heartbroken. It seemed so cruel that we finally had a son but that we would not get to know him, this side of heaven. We made the decision to carry our son until such a time, as he would pass on to heaven, in wholeness. The weeks that followed were some of the most painful and beautiful weeks of my life.

Luke and I named our son Zakariah – ‘Yahweh remembers’ and made the decision that we would celebrate each day that Zakariah was with us. We would grieve his passing when it came, but until then, we lived and celebrated his life!

I would sit on the trampoline and our daughters, then three and four, would jump around me and ‘bounce’ their brother, Zakariah. We love singing in our family and have some favourite little songs we would also sing to our boy.  It was so important to us that our girls connected with their brother and felt included in his life, no matter how short it was.

Of course there were hard days when reality would crash down upon me. I had so many questions. Would Zakariah be alive at birth? Would he live one hour, one day? Or would he die whilst still inside me? But each time the fears of the future rose up, God’s gentle voice reminded me to live in that day and honor each day that my baby boy was alive within me.

Meanwhile our church family prayed for a miracle; that our son would be would be healed. I knew that God could heal; yet I also knew that His healing does not always come in the way that we would like it to. One day Luke was mowing the lawn and crying out to God when he heard the Lord tell him ‘you have two miracles already’ referring to our daughters. We sensed then that healing for Zakariah, this side of eternity was not going to come to us.

It is my understanding of God that He allows pain to shape us, grow us, refine us…all of those things that are so easy to sing about in songs…but growth doesn’t come without pain. More often he leads us through the valley, rather than delivering us from it.

I went into labour at 31 weeks. Luke was away on a photography job but my parents and a good friend who is a midwife were there for me. Zakariah was stillborn; he passed away during labour, which was God’s act of grace towards him. That night, holding my baby boy, was my one night with our son. Luke arrived the following day and together we held our son for the last time. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was make the call to the nurses telling them that they could take Zakariah; it was a painful and bittersweet goodbye. I knew that I would see him again but the grief of not being able to share this lifetime with him was intense.

‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted’.
Matthew 5:4

It is five years since Zakariah went to be with Jesus and I have learned the depth of this promise of blessing in the midst of mourning. I was blessed by the presence and wisdom of family and friends who prayed, loved, supported and grieved with us. My Mum is a relationships counselor and she was a tremendous support from Zakariah’s diagnosis to his passing and in the years since. She reminded me to allow myself to feel the pain when it rose within me, to breathe deep and listen for what my body needed to express.

I was profoundly blessed by Angie Smith’s book ‘I Will Carry You’. Her wisdom and insights deeply shaped my journey. Luke and I were also blessed to meet another couple who had travelled this road before and to learn from their experience. They encouraged us to not judge each other for the different ways we would each grieve Zakariah’s passing.

Grief presents itself in different ways and at different times for each of us. Their advice, ‘be available, be loving and be present, but don’t judge.’

Most of all I am blessed because of who Jesus is. I have always loved God but this journey has reminded me anew of how powerful God’s grace is. Even as I carried Zakariah through pregnancy I felt God’s grace carry me. After Zakariah’s death I had a dream where I could sense God all around me. He called me to look up and into His eyes. The grief and sadness in my heart was weighing me down like a heavy blanket but as I looked up I felt the weight shift. God called to me again ‘look into my eyes, look into my life and let me take the weight of death from your shoulders.’ That dream marked a turning point in my journey. The pain of loss was still present but God was now carrying the weight of that loss.

At every turn, no matter how deep my sadness has been or how heavy my heart has felt, God has carried me. I am keenly aware of my own weakness and failings. What others have perceived as my strength and my courage is not mine but God’s. He has been, and continues to be, my refuge, my fortress and my strength. There are questions to which I still do not have answers and I miss Zakariah every day but in the face of all that I do not understand I have learned one thing to be true, His grace will carry me.

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9