The Story of My Life – Psalm 139

I am not a mystery or a puzzle to you Lord,
Rather I am a story you know by heart,
A story that you never tire of telling or hearing.
A story that is familiar and dear to you, for you are its author.
Long before I knew you, you knew me – having dreamed of me and already, having shaped my heart.

You are the title, the introduction, the cover and back page of my story and this knowledge alone brings me completely undone.
I do not know how to love like this
Nor could I create a love this powerful in all my dreams.
You leave me breathless and shaking.
The weight of your love is a covering and although I don’t understand it, I crave it.

Sometimes your love seems too personal, too intimate
And so I turn my face from you.
The truth is, I have sometimes turned my heart too.
I have even run and tried to hide.
You see your beautiful love is so all consuming and unrelenting
I felt it was only for others, surely not me.
I’m not ready, not worthy, not willing, and not able.

But none of that matters to you.
When I turned my face away – you sought me and lifted my head.
When I turned my heart you danced and sang – you whispered love so sweetly I was totally & utterly captivated.

In my blackest night, my most heartbreaking moments, in the instances where loneliness and sin wounded me and left me lost and shamed you sat beside me and waited.
And through it all your love shone like prisms of beauty and light into my ugly pain.

In short, when I sought darkness – you turned on the light.
When I tried to hide, you found me,
No matter how clever I thought my hiding place to be.
When I ran, you caught me and wouldn’t let me go.
And though I may have pretended to be angry,
I was and am, so very grateful.

From deep within the mystery of the womb,
Until this moment and into all the days yet to come,
You have worked your way in me.
Your love is evidenced in my physical frame,
My DNA, my soul, my spirit and my dreams.
Often I deny it – but that doesn’t change the truth.

Today I adore you. I honor you.
I have been made to reflect you and that is incredible.
Every cell in my being knows it and sings it loud and clear.
You are great – O God, you are great!!

From you I have no secrets. It’s crazy to be so known & yet so loved.
My life, my days, my story, every moment…written by you.
Wow. Wow.
And, when you think of me…you smile. This is too much.
Honestly, I can’t believe the way you think about me or love me.
It’s like a dream but when I open my eyes and pinch myself as hard as I can – your love is STILL there & still true.

Psalm 139 (A paraphrase)
Johanna Wallace