From Loss to Life – Kristels’ Story
Two years into our marriage I fell pregnant. My husband Robbert and I were a little shocked because I was still finishing up my university degree and we didn’t ‘plan’ for a pregnancy. But within days we got really excited about the idea of having a baby together. We started to dream about what he or she would look like, what we would be like as parents and started to think of names. I could already see us with a wee baby at Christmas. Several of my friends were having babies too, so we would be on the journey together. A few weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night to discover that I was bleeding. The next day the doctor confirmed our worst fears. Our baby had died. What followed was a season of quiet grief. Only a few people knew about what happened and the general consensus was, ‘you are still young so you have plenty of time to have babies’. We decided to wait with trying again until I finished college and had worked for a while.
By the end of 2011, we felt like it was time to try again. We prayed about it and asked God if he would give us a healthy baby. I heard God whisper to me ‘trust me’. By the end of January 2012 we found out that I was pregnant! We couldn’t believe how quickly God had answered our prayer. We were over the moon. In the weeks that followed I was growing and glowing. It never occurred to me that anything could go wrong. The day of our 10-week check up was a beautiful spring day. I remember waking up thinking this is the perfect day to celebrate and tell our family and friends the happy news. I was so excited to get to see our baby for the first time!
The ultrasound showed a perfectly formed little babe, but no heartbeat.
I was completely numb. I felt like a truck had hit me. Walking back to our car I heard a whisper, ‘God is a liar’. I knew straight away that this wasn’t the truth but the phrase kept lingering in my head and heart like an angry question mark.
I was determined to get pregnant again straight away. I wanted to take back what was stolen from me. I soon realized however that ‘getting pregnant’ was out of my hands and I had to trust God for His timing, no matter how confusing it all seemed. I had to let go of the dream and trust God that He would be most careful with my dreams, but more importantly, that he would be most careful with my heart. My heart needed healing though to trust him again. In this process God gave me a date, April 2014. This made me so angry because this wasn’t what I wanted right now. It was two years away. How could I cope with waiting two years while watching everyone around me have babies, some for the second time?
I was empty handed and broken hearted. I was no longer confident that God would come through and nothing anyone else said could assure me that He would. But I hung onto God anyway. He was all I had. As time went on I decided to start another degree. I had come to terms with the reality that we would not be parents for a while and I was learning to trust God that it would happen in His timing, not mine.
Two weeks before I was to begin my second degree I missed my period. I decided to do a pregnancy test but was not optimistic. I had been sure I was pregnant so many times before and had been disappointed every time. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. To my surprise I was pregnant. I could not believe what I was looking at. Seriously God, why now?
I calculated my due date, April 2014. God kept His word. And not only did he keep his word, he gave me what I needed to get though the first months. He gave me a date the baby would be born so I didn’t have to be afraid of another miscarriage!
I love how God is in the details and knows our hearts so well. He knows what we need and when we need it. On 3rd May 2014 we welcomed our first son into the world, Kaleb Joel. What a perfect gift from heaven. It was a dream come true. By the end of 2015 we felt like we were ready to have another baby. In December I found out I was pregnant, only to miscarry again two weeks later. We were heartbroken and part of me felt scared, would this be another two-year journey? This time around, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt God could be trusted. So I surrendered my dream and heart back to Him confident that He was fighting for us not against us. In March 2016 we found out I was expecting another baby!
Today as I write, I am staring at his perfect little face. God has given us another miracle. Our beautiful son, Elias Joseph was the best Christmas gift ever.
I would never wish the pain of my journey upon anyone but even if I could, I would not erase it from my story either. I am now able to look back with gratitude for all that I have learned about God and myself on this journey. God took me from a self-made woman to a woman surrendered to Him. I’ve become softer, less judgmental and more trusting. I’ve been given a glimpse of eternity and I’ve learnt how much every life matters to God. No matter how small or insignificant in the eyes of men. I have learnt that God is always near. I’ve learnt that He will come through and most importantly, get you through. My arms are no longer empty; I have been given two beautiful sons. But I also know they are part of a much bigger tribe, our babes that are nursed by angels. They are forever in my heart and until we meet again.
Eva – 2010
Eden Hope – 2012
Juda Zeph – 2015