Beauty from Ashes – Nicole Renee’s Story

The story I’m about to share is one I would rather forget. Yet at the same time I hope I will always remember it too. It’s one of those life-altering stories about redemption and it starts in the very unlikely setting of a Planned Parenthood clinic.

‘There is not a heartbeat yet, there won’t be for another 3 days,’ said the nurse. That was the defining moment that turned an appointment into a justification. ‘If there is no heartbeat yet, then its not really alive,’ I told myself. As my boyfriend Zac and I, walked out of the clinic, we decided abortion was the answer.

It seemed like the right answer for someone like me. I was a girl in her late twenties with enough baggage to last a lifetime.

I didn’t want an abortion but somehow it seemed like the only option I could handle. I was already a single parent living with my mum and dad trying to get my life together.

Zac and I had only been dating for a short time. I was terrified and filled with shame; desperately wishing that someone would rescue me out of my own life! Zac and I went to the appointment together. The clinic was buzzing with people coming and going. Making appointments, getting birth control, and others, who like me, were waiting for a ‘procedure’. There was a grim looking officer standing at the door. I wondered what she thought of all of us? I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Part of me wanted to have the courage to get up and leave but I stayed put until they called my name. Zac remained in the waiting room and I followed the nurse into another smaller, waiting area.

There were two other women waiting with me but the longer we waited the more panicked I became. One of the women, who was older than me, noticed my distress and did her best to reassure me. After asking me whether this was my first time she reassured me that everything would be ok…her kindness was welcoming yet I felt sad at the same time. I never wanted to be in this place again. Just as I began contemplating whether I should leave, the nurse returned to inform me that the doctor was ready for me. I entered the stark, white, operating room, and the scene of the greatest regret of my life.

When the ‘procedure’ was over I felt both instant relief and confusion. The lady who had talked to me in the waiting room had a huge smile on her face as she came over to see how I was. As I looked at her I was confused by her happiness. I wondered if I was supposed to be sharing in her joy? As soon as I walked out of the clinic and got into Zac’s car, everything began to feel terribly wrong. Emptiness took over my soul, a feeling of dread I will never forget. As soon as we got to Zac’s apartment I got down on my knees and frantically prayed for forgiveness.

Over and over again I prayed. I truly believed that God would not want to have anything to do with me anymore.  As my tears soaked into the carpet, I wished I could undo everything.

A week later, Zac and I went to church. I felt like a cold-hearted hypocrite as I sat in the service. When the sermon started I was in complete shock to discover that the Pastor would be talking about abortion! The word stung as soon as I heard it and I wondered if people could see through me, whether they knew what I had done. Trying to distract myself, I opened the church bulletin but there it was again, Abortion, written in bold as part of the sermon notes. Right above the word was the title, “Beauty from Ashes’ the name of a support group for those who had had an abortion and wanted to find healing. I shut the bulletin, my heart filled with shame. Zac leaned over, he saw what I had just read and whispered to me that maybe I should go to the group. I refused.

I had knowingly made the choice to have an abortion; I didn’t deserve to receive healing for that choice.

Not long after that nightmarish week Zac and I broke up. I began a new relationship but it unraveled quickly. I descended into a deep depression that I couldn’t seem to shake. I didn’t understand all that I was feeling so I pushed the pain deep down inside. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened and did my best to continue life as normal; but there were days when I could barely hold it together. If I saw a pro-life sign or bumper sticker I was a mess of confusion, anger and deep sadness. I began taking depression medication but it only made things worse. A year went by and I was on the brink of giving up. I knew that I had to do something but there seemed like there was nowhere to go, no way of escape.

It was when things were at their most desperate that I realized there was only one place left to go. The place that I had always put on the back burner, the place I had avoided, the place that I couldn’t hide from anymore. I knew I had to go to the throne of Jesus.

Pushing through my anxiety and fear, I started talking to Him and reading about His promises. I returned to church and one day God spoke to me so clearly I knew I couldn’t ignore Him any longer. A video testimony was shown during the service. It featured two girls who had struggled with purity, identity and self worth, issues that I too had wrestled with. They then shared a little about their individual journey that had resulted in both of them having abortions. While I listened to their stories I began to search the faces around me looking for judgment or hatred. I saw none. I began to weep, the pain and grief of the last year could not be denied any longer.

At the end of the service the two girls from the video were standing by the church doors. They were covered in warm hugs and grace. It was at that moment I knew God was giving me a chance to find healing. The next week I arranged to meet with the leader of the support group, Niki, at a coffee shop. The car ride out to meet her was pure torture. I had never talked about my abortion with anyone and now I had to tell this stranger all about my shame. Doubt swirled around in my mind and the same thoughts of worthlessness that had tortured me for months were ringing in my ears.

“You don’t deserve healing. You are not good enough.”

I pushed these thoughts away and walked through the coffee shop doors.

Niki greeted me with a look of compassion and kindness that gently acknowledged our shared pain and experience. I began to tell her my story, every detail still as vivid as the day that it had happened. When I mentioned the notice in the church bulletin from a year ago she stopped me mid-sentence. When she asked what my last name was, I hesitated thinking that was a strange and random interruption. As I told her my last name, tears welled up in her eyes.

‘Your boyfriend called me a year ago and told me what had happened’ she said. ‘Ever since then, I have been praying for you. I prayed that you would come to find healing.’

I walked out of the coffee shop that day in a state of disbelief but in awe at the realization that God had been with me all along. He had planted each seed purposely for me to find healing. He was with me in the mess. He loved me even in my darkest sin. The way he worked everything together for good was undeniable. From the bulletin I had seen for Beauty from Ashes a year earlier to the two brave girls that had shared their story in church and now through Niki who had been praying for me by name, God had never left me.

All this time I had thought that God was finished with me, but He was only getting started.

I went on to find healing through ‘Beauty from Ashes’ with many other beautiful women. Women like me, who longed to be forgiven and needed to learn how to forgive themselves. It was a long and hard journey, and there are still days I have to remind myself that I am forgiven. But I have had the opportunity to share my story with many people and I share it with confidence in Christ.  I know I am His beloved daughter.  When I said that my story is one I want to forget but hope I will always remember it’s for this reason.

Although I’ll always regret my choice, I will hold onto the truth about God and the depth of His love, forever.

My hope and desire is that anyone who believes that they are damaged goods, a lost cause or is hurting from a bad choice that they have made, will see hope in my story and be reminded that God is good. He is present in the most unexpected places. No matter how fierce the battle, how deep the hurt or how hopeless the situation, He is there with us. He is always working in the midst of our story where ultimately His GLORY, GRACE and GOODNESS will be revealed.

Instagram: @half.written
Website  www.halfwrittenstory.com

To purchase a copy of Nicole Renee’s book click here.