From Ashes to Beauty – Dustys’ Story

 

I remember when my parents told us they would no longer be married. I can’t remember their words, the time or the place – but I do remember feeling lost. It was as though the tiny sliver of happiness I once had, was forever gone.

Let’s be real divorce is a bitch. (I honestly couldn’t think of a better-suited word. Trust me, I tried.) It ruins the very core of who we are – but God is an amazing God. The process was long and difficult; like a Band-Aid being ripped off as slowly as possible. There were undeserved restraining orders, immature decisions and lots of tears and heartache.

I remember sitting outside the courthouse for hours with my grandmother playing tag or hopscotch, just waiting for them to come outside again.

I remember wishing I could have a slide that connected my dad’s house and my mom’s so I didn’t have to wait so long to see one or the other.

I remember wishing it were all a terrible dream.

I remember my baby brother Bridge, crying for hours and trying so hard to be strong for him. I basically became, in my mind, Bridge’s mother. I felt responsible for him and I took that responsibility very seriously. As result I bottled up my pain. I bore it like an adult and put on my big girl panties. My whole being went into making this transition as easy as possible for my brother.

I was six.

My mother was not a Christian and is a self-proclaimed pagan. My father was so anti Christianity that he had had prayer kicked out of his own high school. At one point he even wore a bag of rocks around his neck claiming they had magical qualities that improved his life. I’m not joking.

During the divorce, my uncle began to do his best to comfort my dad with God’s precious words. To a troubled man like my dad, it felt more like pouring salt on an open wound.

My dad’s response was to put all of his energy into disproving Christianity and in particular the Bible. Ironically, it was through this very effort that that my father became a strong, wise and unwavering Christian.

We began attending the church my uncle went to and there I saw happiness. Through all the trouble God had blessed me with an incredible gift, a gift I didn’t fully understand until much later. He gave me faith like child. In my mind this true happiness I saw had to be real. I knew that nothing around me was happy, so this had to be God. There was no doubt in my mind. It was this moment that I fully accepted Gods gift. God’s perfect sacrifice on the cross – he bore my shame, my worries and my sin. I was just so grateful to feel true happiness inspired by true love. Later, I professed this out loud with my father and it is a precious moment I will never forget.

As time went on our family grew. Both parents remarried and had children of their own. What was just one brother became four brothers and two sisters! I love my over-sized family. Every single one of them.

Despite the joy of having an expanding family, growing up was tough, almost as tough as the divorce itself. Although the divorce was finalized in the courts, the journey of living after divorce was only just beginning. It was tough, exhausting, and stressful and seemed to impact every aspect of my life.

I knew God loved me, I knew God loved my family and I knew that one day I would see why this was all happening. But still depression started to move in. I felt so lonely. My only true friendship was with my older sister, Kaycee and her story is even tougher than my own. Together we were confused, broken and depressed. We did each other’s hair, chalked on the sidewalks, sang ridiculous songs and did our best to stay busy.

As I got older, things got even harder. I had to make my own decisions. I had to help my little brother Bridge make decisions. There were some days when I had to act as the bad guy, the middleman and the peacemaker. I was pretty good at it, but I hated it. I did my best to juggle things between family members always trying to make sure everyone was happy. The trouble was, I wasn’t happy. The depression grew.

I wanted to make God proud, my dad and mom proud, and my siblings proud. I worked hard at school, always trying to not disappoint anyone. I was the yearbook editor for three years, heavily involved in my high school wrestling team (I even made girls team captain!), I was on the worship team at church, involved in youth group, children’s ministries all the while going back and forth to wherever my mom was living at the time.  I rarely rested – I never had the time!

Yet through it all God was faithful.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

Matthew 6:25-27

I got this tattoo when I was 18 as a present from my parents and the verse above was the inspiration. Even though I had a rocky childhood these six little birds remind me that I need not worry, because my creator has a perfect plan

As an adult, I look back on my life and I can finally see the thing I had always hoped was there – beauty in the midst of pain.  After all the counseling sessions, prayer, mid-night conversations and tears. I see now why this had to happen; God has opened my eyes to it all. I can now see through the pain, the depression, the tears and the frustration. I see God’s perfect glory. I see lives changed. I see hearts altered. I now treasure each relationship with all FOUR of my parents! I am one blessed lady.

It was at my wedding, where I saw the beauty that God brought forth from my past. All four of my parents got along and enjoyed each other’s company. They literally danced the night away with my husband and I! Seriously, this was the best gift I could have ever dreamed of. If I could travel back in time and tell my six-year self this I would have never believed it.

While my story is not yet over, I’m encouraged to know that it never really will be. God has a perfect plan for me to one day join Him in eternity, in perfect beauty and a true joy that I could never really understand until now. Until I meet Him I will treasure the pain and the heart aches. I will hold dear the lessons learned and I will continue to love our Creator and cling to His every word. For I have no need to worry – God’s got me.

LINKS:
Website – throwingpinecones.com
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