Heidi – She Is Resilient – Part 2
After losing Paris, I spent the next 5 years trying to conceive a child. It was a difficult and at times intensely painful journey. I remember a time when I came to the absolute end of myself, and I heard God say, “Trust me.” In my limited understanding I thought that meant, “trust me, and you will fall pregnant.” Month after month of ‘trusting’ Him, went by but I was still not seeing the result that I wanted. I remember crying out to God again, “Lord, you said trust You, and I trusted You.” And the Lord replied, “I said trust Me, not trust Me to give you what you want!”
My prayer life for the last four years had involved getting up every day and confessing that I was to have a child. I was declaring Gods word but I realised that my eyes had shifted from the one I loved most; Jesus, to what I wanted the most; a baby. My desire for a baby had become stronger than my desire for God. What had begun in the Spirit had become a work of my flesh and it was exhausting. I knew that I needed to begin to build my relationship with God again. I knew that He had never moved from me, but my heart had moved away from Him. I needed to draw near again.
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”
About a year later our church began a month of prayer and fasting. I decided to do a 14 day fast. Every time I went to spend time with the Lord, the only thing that came out of my mouth was “the faith of God, the faith of God,” I just wanted to please Him again, and faith is the only thing that does. I wanted the faith of God. After the fast had finished, it seemed like nothing in the natural had miraculously changed. I was on my knees in prayer some time later when I clearly sensed God say ‘prepare the room.’ I got up off my knees and went to Mark. ‘Honey, the Lord said ‘Prepare the room.’” Mark looked at me confused, but being the beautiful man of God he is, he said, “I love you. I don’t understand this, but I’ll do it.” That weekend Mark got the cot out from under the house to reassemble and clean it up. I went out and bought everything, nappies, blankets, the works. We prepared the room and waited for the promise to be ‘made flesh’.
Three months later I was pregnant. We were elated. Fears and worries from the past hovered but like Abraham; I was strengthened in faith, knowing that He who promised is faithful. God had spoken and I was not going to let anyone or anything, come against it. At my six-month ultrasound, I took one look at the screen and knew things weren’t right. I knew I wasn’t leaving the hospital that night. It looked as if I was about to go into labour. The nurse advised me that they would bring down a wheelchair and I was to stay so they could keep an eye on me. Mark left the hospital to go home for the night and as I lay in hospital room on my own I sensed the battle for my unborn child’s life begin. I could hear the voice of the enemy in my mind ‘bear down, abort.” I was praying in tongues into my pillow, crying out to God, doing all I could to combat the voice of fear, the voice of the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy. I felt the spirit of God rise up on the inside of me with great power.
“Whatever is born of God overcomes this world, and this is the victory that overcomes this world, even our faith.”
1 John 5:4
In that moment I knew the enemy was defeated. I knew my baby was born of God and he would live and not die. He was born from the seed of faith. I spent the next four weeks lying on my back in a bid to delay the arrival of my baby. During this time I journalled my prayers and wrote thousands of words declaring life and health over my child. Though I had an assurance from God that my child would live and not die, I was still questioning God on the fairness of it all. I was forty years old and I had finally felt like I had entered my promised land. Why was there still such a fight on my hands?
The Lord led me to read the book of Joshua. Many times the Lord speaks to Joshua saying, “See I have given you this land now possess it.” But for Joshua and the people of Israel a fight often preceded that possession. They had to fight to claim their inheritance and so do we. This fight isn’t designed by the Lord to exhaust us. It does however, increase our capacity to trust Him and learn how to stand our ground. Joshua is the book of victory. The Old Testament name Joshua is equivalent to the New Testament name Jesus. As Joshua led the people to freedom in the Promised Land, Jesus leads us in triumph. Jesus leads us into a personal journey of freedom. He shows us how to break down the walls of fear, doubt, discouragement or unbelief through the power of the Holy Spirit.
On 6th May 2007, Mark and I welcomed our beautiful son, Samuel Markus Jacob Wysman, into the world. Born at 28 weeks, he was small in size but strong in spirit! He spent the first 10 weeks of his life in hospital. To say the journey and circumstances that surrounded Samuel’s entry into this world was nothing less than a miracle would be to deny the very existence of God. The whole thing was quite traumatic as I was unable to even hold him for a few weeks as he fought for his life. (But that’s another story!)
Every day he breathed life it was a gift, and when we look at him today we are overwhelmed with gratitude. He is a walking reminder to us to never give up, to desire the faith of God, and to step out of the boat and believe.
I pray for all who have shrunk back in their faith from disappointment and discouragement, that you will read this and faith will be injected into your spirit and courage in your soul to step out again. Step out of the boat to where He is!
To truly believe is to truly live, Love Heidi.
To connect with Heidi or purchase her book ‘ One – Complete Intimacy with God’