Butterfly Bones – Angelica’s Story

July 17, 2016 |

When I was 18, in my final year of high school, my gran died suddenly. I was so shocked by her death. It was totally unexpected. I had no idea how to feel, think or act. I felt so guilty because I hadn’t seen her for months before she passed away. I didn’t know how to process my grief or guilt; I felt like I needed to punish myself. I stopped eating.

My world felt like it was spinning out of control. I was in the middle of exams, unsure about my future and rocked by the death of my grandmother. The day after her funeral I woke up feeling numb. I looked in the mirror and heard a voice in my head taunting me “Fat, ugly, worthless, stupid, disgusting.”

It felt like a monster had crept in overnight and taken residence inside of my mind. Those first two weeks were the worst. I couldn’t eat. When I did eat, the negative words came back like a tidal wave of guilt and accusation.

I had no idea what was happening to me but I knew one thing: food was the enemy and I had to gain control.

I weaned myself off breakfast first, and then lunch and every other meal I could. Meal times were excruciating and I hated social situations. I withdrew. I slept a lot. I lied about not being hungry a thousand times. I sipped green tea all through the morning till dinnertime. Slowly, I began to binge and that was a whole different monster all together. My head constantly counted up the calories and I felt like clawing my stomach out. I’d wake up in the morning and track every crunch, every lunge, and every squat. The longer I didn’t eat the better I felt, yet the emptier I became.

No one could see me slowly spiraling out of control. No one picked up on the signs because I had become a master at disguise. Inside I was screaming for help but no one could hear me. I created a blog called ‘thesebutterflybones’. I began to journal my thoughts. It became my safe haven, a place of refuge where I could purge my secrets without judgment. There were hundreds of girls who felt the same as I did. I finally knew what was wrong with me. I had an eating disorder.

Much like Alice falling down her rabbit hole, I began to fall further and further. I had become so good at hiding my real self that it seemed that no one suspected a thing. Inside I was caught up in mind games that tormented me constantly. I felt trapped in a game that I was destined to lose and wondered why God was allowing me to go through this. I was truly Alice and the Mad Hatter was the never-ending negative commentary in my head.

In January 2012 I relocated from Cape Town to Sydney to study dance at a local college. I knew I needed a fresh start so I deleted the blog and threw all my food journals in the bin. However it didn’t take long before the voices of self-loathing were back and worse than ever. I began to walk down a very dark tunnel. Each day I felt like I was being suffocated. I wanted to sleep all the time but whether I was awake or asleep the nightmare remained.

Eventually, I cracked. I still remember the day that I was brought into one of the lecturer’s office and my secret came out. I had a very tough journey ahead of me but I look back now and see God’s unfailing hand in the process. I will never forget the way that one of my lecturers reached out to me. I was a mess and kept repeating, ‘I just want to die. I wish I was dead.’

But she responded by saying over and over ‘you are so brave, Angelica. You are so brave. You will get through this I promise.’

Brave. That one word has stuck with me. In fact I now wear a bracelet with that word on it as a reminder. I didn’t feel brave but her words were the beginning of a mind shift that kept me walking on the path towards healing.

A few weeks later I awoke suddenly from a vivid dream. Feeling a tugging at my chest I searched for what it meant. I realized that God was showing me that my confidence was still in the opinion and approval of others. In that moment I instantly fell to my knees before God. Trembling and with tears falling I let it all go before Him. ‘I’m so sorry Lord,” I said. ‘Please forgive me. I need your help Lord, I can’t do this without you Jesus.’

In that moment I felt the presence of God like never before, in that moment I was healed. The dark thoughts disappeared and a new vision of hope for the future took their place. His kindness towards me, His unfailing and never-ending love still overwhelms me.

I am not who I once was. In fact, I am better. I am stronger and fully self-assured. I know who I am and Jesus Christ is the firm foundation upon which I stand. I am no longer fearful of the future but I wait for it with anticipation and excitement. My life has been changed forever and I have been set on a new path. Through the hardest of trials I have learnt to seek the Lord – for when I am weak, He is strong. I came in battling an eating disorder and depression that was going to destroy my life. But thanks to God and the wonderful people at college – I was led through that valley.