Learning to Dream Again – Stacy’s Story
Since I was a little girl, I loved Jesus, and I loved family. Just a few months ago, my mom found all of my grade school homework. All of my stories were intertwined with wanting people to know Jesus. A close second was falling in love and having a family.
When I was 18 years old I prayed, “God, I don’t want to do the normal dating thing, I want to be used by you, and when the time is right can you please bring my husband to me.” What I was saying was, “I don’t want a bunch of crazy relationships, I don’t want to have sex before marriage, and I want to save myself for that one person that you have for me!”
I prayed that prayer at 18. I am now in my late 30’s!
Part of me thought, “God, you did really well with the first half of my dream. My life has been sold out to Jesus. I love my life as a Pastor and the privilege of ministering in my life-changing church, C3 San Diego.” I truly love my life, but to be honest, when I got to my thirties, I thought, “OK God, I’m ready for that second half of my dream…the man, the family!”
To ensure my life and heart was prepared and ready for that man and that dream, I went to work on myself. I was determined to ensure my whole life was prepared for a man. So I faced my greatest fears, I went through deliverance, counseling, and anything and everything I could think of to ensure I was open and vulnerable and that there were no walls in my heart. I made sure I looked pretty on the inside and pretty on the outside.
I intentionally started dating. Pretty soon, I met someone, our relationship was electric. He was so different to the person I thought I would end up with. There were prophecies and confirmations of my choice, but it was a roller-coaster. My heart going through every up and every down. Then, on Christmas Day, he got down on one knee and proposed. With the dream in front me, I sensed God say to me, “If you marry this man, you will regret it for the rest of your life.” Like a vision, as clear as day, I saw each piece of the puzzle that revealed why I should not marry this man.
My heart was shattered and torn. A delay and now a loss? Are you kidding me! It’s one thing to not yet see the fruition of a dream but to have it within your grasp and then have it slip away from you. I obeyed the voice of God, but life looked and felt so different. Now looking back, my sadness wasn’t so much about the man, it was more about the dream that was shattered and lost.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)
Following my break-up, I attended wedding after wedding, baby shower after baby shower. I was truly happy for my friends but living with deep pain on the inside. On one particular night, after having just attended a beautiful wedding of a sweet friend of mine, I headed back home alone in my car. It was pitch dark, no lights were on the path, and the roads were windy. Left with my thoughts, I began to contemplate what my life looked like and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. All of a sudden, I heard a voice whisper to me, “Veer off the road! You won’t ever have to feel awkwardness or pain again. Go on, just crash your car.” I contemplated the thought for a moment and then realized that a demon was speaking to me. I knew it because I would never tell myself that and neither would God…I truly loved my life! I took a deep breath and then told that demon to go back to hell where it came from!
I made a decision that night that regardless of my feelings, I would choose joy! 1 Peter 5:8 (NKJV) says, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” I made a decision that he would not devour me!
Sensitivity is the devil’s playground, and if we let him, he will manipulate the hope that God is trying to send us. I had an unfulfilled desire and dream, and it was as if I was continually being mocked by it. It seemed like everyone I came into contact with would tell me their story on how they fell in love with their significant other and got married, or how they didn’t have to do anything and their spouse just dropped from heaven into their arms, or how they had a list of 120 things they wanted in a partner, and (wouldn’t you know it!) the person they married fulfilled everyone of them. Goodness gracious, I only have about 4 things on my list (the standard love Jesus, have a job, etc.), yet all of these people received their miracle while I was still contending for mine.
I realized that the devil is a liar, and he tries to turn what could be our greatest encouragement into our greatest discouragement. He feeds us partial truths, which he manipulates and distorts. God was trying to encourage me, but the devil was messing with me. I learned to let every story fill me with hope instead of take it from me.
The Bible says in 1 Cor. 13:12 (NLT), “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” We see what we see now, but I have now realized that what we see is not the whole picture.
A friend of mine sent me a message by Bill Johnson called, “The Unusual Victory.” The premise was, “What if you did listen to the Lord in a certain situation, but the outcome is different than what you expected? What if, after loss, success is that you prayed again?” And so I began to pray again. My prayers started out, “God, though I can’t see what tomorrow holds, today, I will serve you. I don’t know if I can dream again, but I still love you, and I know that you are with me.” Our God is so sweet so beautiful — He said to me, “That’s ok, Stacy, all I ask you to do is to wake up each day, and give me your day. If you give me each day, you’ll walk straight into the plans I have for you.”
That worked for a while, and then one day, it just wasn’t enough. I wanted to dream again. While at a Christian conference, one of the speakers declared, “I believe that God is giving people new dreams. Close your eyes, and God will begin to show you His dream for you.” My heart leaped, and I prayed, “God, I want that. Give me Your dream for me. “
Instantly like a movie trailer, I saw my future and received a glimpse of the dream. But what I saw wasn’t the same dream of my past; it was a new dream, not tainted with past memories, loss, prior experiences, or old faces. My new dream did not look like the old one — it was better. My God did not bring me through all of this just to give me back my old dream. No, the old dream did not suffice any longer! Instead, He gave me a bigger, better, double portion kind of a dream and reminded me that if I was going to dream, then why not dream big?
From this experience, I learned how to choose joy, rebuke the devil, and pray again. I am a fighter and will continue to fight for the right things. I’ve made a decision to live my life to the fullest, and though I may still be believing for my miracle, I know that miracles are happening through me. You are receiving your miracle whether you can see it or not, and your longing will be fulfilled if you do not lose heart! The resurrection of a dream or to dream a new dream is nothing short of a miracle that God is more than willing perform. I pray that you are encouraged by my story. Let’s contend together, and dream again!
Stacy Capaldi – Pastoral Care Director, C3 San Diego
@stacycapaldi
