The Freedom Movement – Karrie’s Story

I was so excited to go and in typical teen-girl fashion, I had carefully chosen my summer outfit, a new bikini, cute hat and sandals that matched. I was ready, Water Park here I come. When you are a freshman in high school, all of these details matter because you never know when you might just meet, ‘the one’ and just in case today was the day I needed to look awesome! Unfortunately it soon became clear that the boys were there to go down slides not hang out with girls no matter how cute our outfits were.

So after not much action on the boy front, my friends and I decided to take on the mammoth water slide. Although I was scared, I was not about to let that keep me from the best water slide in the park. I mean, it had a spectator area at the end so people could watch how terrified you were as you came down.

Just as I was ready to take the plunge, I thought to myself, ‘I wonder if a bikini was a wise choice’ but before I knew it the instructor shouted ‘Keep your legs and arms crossed, Go!’ and with that, pushed me down the slide.

I could feel each bump where the slide was put together and with each bump it got faster and faster. This wasn’t so bad. In fact this was awesome! I was at full speed now, and I couldn’t keep my feet together, nor could I keep my hands over my chest. I could see the end, the final drop. Honestly to this day I remember how exhilarating that last drop was.

I made it to the end, and when I looked up I saw the lifeguard motioning to me. People were staring, some were smirking, and others looked horrified. As I looked back at the lifeguard he was motioning to the water. ‘What’s going on?’ I thought. And then the realization of what had happened on that final drop came to me as the breeze brushed across my BARE, NAKED CHEST!

Mortified, I jumped up and ran to where the lifeguard was pointing and grabbed my bikini top that was floating around in the water. My girlfriend ran over and helped me put it on. The plastic clasp had broken so she had to tie it in a knot to make it stay on.

Feeling exposed is tough. Growing up I learned to cover up, smile, and pretend everything was perfect. What happened behind closed doors was no one else’s business, issues at home, personal struggles, even the loss of my mum to suicide, these things were not what people wanted to know about or talk about. If I could keep things looking pretty on the outside, acting like I had it all together, I would never be exposed for the person I really was. Why deal with that pain? If you don’t talk about it doesn’t exist right?

I feared being exposed. I feared people knowing who I really was, so I continued to play that game well into adulthood. I got married at 23 because that’s what people were doing. He was a great guy. I could check off all the boxes on the checklist I’d created for what a husband should be, and life was good for a while. Well, life was okay. Everyone else thought we were great, but at night when I was alone with my thoughts, I was miserable. Not because of him, but because of me.

There was so much unresolved pain I was dealing with, but again I just pushed it away. Four years down the road, and I reached breaking point and I broke hard. I couldn’t live with who I was. The pain and anger emerged with a vengeance. I did everything in my power to end my marriage. I hurt so many people. I hurt my ex-husband, and to this day the pain I caused him still haunts me. My ex and I were pastors. Yes, pastors! This kind of stuff didn’t happen to pastors, right?

I lost everything because of the choices I made out of that pain. I was exposed once again and wanted to run and hide. How could I have let this happen? How could I have hurt the people I loved so much? I found myself in a pit of despair and hopelessness. One night as I sat alone in my tiny apartment, lying on the bathroom floor, sobbing a voice in my head said… ‘End it.’

The voice continued, ‘If you weren’t here no one would be hurt, and if you end it now, you’ll never have to feel this pain again.’ Once again my pain was causing me to do the unthinkable. In the moment it seemed so logical. People hated me. I hated me. It would be better if I were just gone, so I got in my car and drove. I drove for a long time, thinking about how it could all be over. Sobbing I sat at a stop sign, and there it was, my answer. A bus. If I moved my car at just the right time it would all end. No more hiding. No more shame. No more guilt. In one moment it could all be gone.

I sat waiting for the perfect moment, but right before I would make that fatal move, another voice came into my mind. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in a long time. ‘I have a plan for you Karrie,’ the voice said. ‘I don’t see you the way others see you, I see it all and I love you.’

I felt ashamed for what I was about to do and yet in the same breath a flicker of hope sprung up in my heart. I had done so many unthinkable things. I had hurt so many people. I was not faithful to my commitments. And yet I knew that God’s voice spoke truth. I watched that bus drive by, knowing that only 30 seconds prior my hopelessness had almost taken me to the point of ending it all. But Jesus Christ broke through. With love, compassion, grace and mercy, He broke through and exposed me to His life giving words in that perfect moment.

Looking back I have so many regrets. One of my biggest was keeping silent about my pain. I was so scared of being exposed for whom I really was that it kept me silent about how much I was hurting. No one could help me because I wasn’t being honest, even with myself. God tried to reach me many times but I would push Him away, thinking ‘You can have all these parts of me God, just not this part!’

The road I ended up traveling in dealing with my junk was long and hard, but God never left me. In fact, I felt His compassion for me grow with every step. He lovingly started to change how I saw myself and helped me accept His love. I can proudly say He has fixed what is broken, and He wants to do the same for you.

There are days when I catch myself going back to my old way of thinking, but then I hear his voice… “YOU are my beloved!” Don’t believe the lies that say you have gone too far, don’t believe the lie that says no one will love you if they know who you really are. These are not true and this is NOT the heart of Jesus Christ. Being exposed is never fun, but the healing that will come from you taking that first step will be the beginning of the hope you so desperately want. You cannot fix yourself, you cannot wish the pain away, and you can only ignore it for so long. Trust me, I tried!

It is only when you allow yourself to be exposed before your maker, surrendering your heart to Him and allowing Him to come in and fix what hurts, that will you find your authentic self. Wouldn’t it be great if your inside person matched your outside person? For the first time ever I can tell you this is true for me. I am no longer defined by my shame; I am called by His name.

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
It won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,

Isaiah 43:2,3

To connect with Karrie www.thefreedommovement.us